I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
