my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
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