I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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