my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
50% drunk capacity currently
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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