so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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