Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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