In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
