Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
