I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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