He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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