just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
