did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Randomize
