Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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