I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
