I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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