this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I just googled if crying burns calories
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
