Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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