I think my fart just growled at me.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
