i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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