He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
