In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
This house was built for laser tag.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
