You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
