I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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