sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
