He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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