I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
