i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
