Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
My feet surprised me
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
