I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
