Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
