I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
