Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
The police scanner is talking about you again....
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
