I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Is it penis luge time yet?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
