why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I just want to make out with him forever
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
