I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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