ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
