There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
