This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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