Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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