I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
