I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
