Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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