Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
