He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
