Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
