I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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