So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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