Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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