I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Randomize
