Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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